A DEEP SMILE

I can always relate to this song when I'm defeated in a battle to overcome insecurities.

Throughout my teenage life, I've always had to deal with some people commenting on the way I look.

I was never the prettiest, never the girl with the hot body, never the girl who got the best-dress award. Sometimes I really don't care what others say but there are times when things like these get to your self-defense system, it's like getting huge punches in your security system.

I have real sensitive friends but I also have friends who are not as sensitive. There's always a fine line between being honest and tactlessly shoving negative comments onto another's face without realizing that others could be hurting. I've survived most of the time due to this happy mechanism that is propelled automatically in face of adversity. I used to be even more positive but I guess the magic is slowly wearing out.

These few days, I am feeling even more and more insecure that I feel that I just don't really want to do anything because I really just don't care. I'm tired and basically unmotivated due to lack of confidence.

Tied together with A Smile by Taylor Swift nicely tells a story of how I'm feeling sometimes, and perhaps also right now.

This song Taylor wrote after she found out that one of her friends is suffering from an eating disorder. Her friend seems so happy and cheerful all the time that none of them realized the fact that she is so insecure and unhappy with her own looks.

Seems the only one who doesn't see your beauty
Is the face in the mirror looking back at you
You walk around here thinking you're not pretty
But that's not true, cause I know you

Hold on baby you're losing it
The water's high you're jumping in to it
And letting go and no one knows
That you cry but you don't tell anyone
That you might not be the golden one
And you're tied together with a smile but you're coming undone

I guess most of the time, people just see my smiley face although there are the occasional black face due to stress. But generally, I force the smile on my face or I just keep quiet during the darkest of times, when I'm sad or when I just want to cry my heart out. No one really knows how I feel most of the time because I hide it with smiles and laughters. Although sometimes it is obvious that I'm sad, most of the time not many knows how hurt I get because of the things they say or do. When people makes fun of me, I just laugh along. Many also underestimates me, thinking that I'm stupid...I just move on and try to shove all negative comments..But how long more can I face all these? Well, I guess that is again part and parcel of life.

Usually I cry my heart out when I'm alone because that is to me, the best way I know to release all the sadness...But no one knows that I've been crying silently...

Guess its true that love is all you wanted
Cause you're giving it away like it's extra change
Hoping it will end up in his pocket
But he leaves you out like a penny in the rain
Oh cause it's not his price to pay
It's not his price to pay

When I'm sad like this, I always have this naive thinking that maybe if I had a soulmate who understands me, things will be better, like in those love movies. But I guess realistically, having a partner would actually only makes life harder as you have one more close person to deal with emotionally. I'm realistic that way.

But I never stop dreaming that perhaps God could be once again nice to me by blessing me with someone who just makes me feel better in every way when I'm down, someone who just knows the right things to say to cheer me up...someone who is just there to support me and motivate me when I'm falling down below, struggling to grab on to something that is of meaning at all. Perhaps, I'll never stop dreaming...as it will only last as a dream.

Oh oh oh oh
Hold on baby you're losing it
The water's high you're jumping in to it
And letting go and no one knows
That you cry but you don't tell anyone
That you might not be the golden one
And you're tied together with a smile but you're coming undone

oh oh oh oh
You're tied together with a smile but you're coming undone

I can honestly say that adult life has really stripped off a lot of cheers within me. But then again I'm thankful that I do have a few colleagues who manage to restore the happy momentum. But still, it'll never be the same as back then I guess because we just have to move on.

I need to find myself again.
I need to find that confidence I used to have but have now lost due to the wave of critic.
I feel fat, I feel that I'm looked down upon at work, I feel untrusted, I feel ugly, I feel NEGATIVE.
I feel it's time to find the POSITIVE and live again.
I can only seek help from God to help me stand up again and to give me strength.

Til the next time...
I shall leave you with this song as I embrace the next day that will be packed with writing press releases, sending media invites, entertaining people who doesn't really matter to be honest because they don't deserve my kindness if not the fact that they are paying my bosses to pay me....